Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
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You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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