i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
