Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
