Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
