a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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