Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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