So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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