He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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