I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
