What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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