i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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