Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
