Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
