Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
