..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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