you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
