we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
