just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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