so that wasnt chicken after all
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
