I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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