I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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