i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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