i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
