I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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