Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
