Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
