i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
