whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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