mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
