I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
