chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
