my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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