my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
