Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
