i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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