I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
