You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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