it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
