i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
