I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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