Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
