i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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