making cat noises will not fix the situation.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
