Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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