We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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