I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
