Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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