i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
