So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
