It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
