OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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