if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
