My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
