Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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