I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
