Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
