If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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